The Urge to Leave Before You Can Be Left Part 1

Have you ever ended a relationship that, in hindsight, wasn’t actually going badly?  Or convinced yourself you’d “lost feelings” right when things started to get serious? Sometimes the urge to leave isn’t a sign that there’s something wrong, but that something feels vulnerable. And that’s scary. 

When we think of an avoidant attachment style or avoidant traits, we might think of distancing or ghosting, and while it can take this shape it can also look totally rational. It might look like questioning compatibility, feeling like something is off, or wondering if the person you’re with really is “the one”. 

Just to be clear - the message here isn’t “if you’re scared, stay anyway, and if you have doubts it’s avoidance”. 

The clue to be paying attention to is when is the urge showing up? 

It might be avoidance if you notice this urge coming up when: 

• The other person starts expressing stronger feelings 

• Commitment becomes more real 

• You start to feel closer 

• You realize you care about them 

If doubts creep in after a period of connection, it could be a clue that even though the relationship might be healthy, closeness feels threatening. And when we feel threatened/scared/unsafe, we want to protect ourselves (i.e., leave). 

On the other hand, it might be incompatibility if you keep running into genuine differences around: 

• Values 

• Life goals 

• Communication styles 

• Emotional availability 

• Lifestyle preferences 

• Etc. 

Here, the issue isn’t that closeness feels scary, it’s that something important isn’t fitting right. You don’t believe the relationship works long term because of these differences. 

Another clue it might be avoidance is if you notice the same pattern repeating across relationships:

It’s amazing at the beginning, you’re excited for the first few months, but start to feel trapped when things get serious. You focus on flaws and start having doubts. You end the relationship and feel relief, but regret it later. 

At some point in time, creating distance was protective. It reduced pain, rejection, overwhelm, shame, or heartbreak. The problem here is that although it may have protected us from being hurt, it also robs us of the opportunity to feel loved. 

So where does this urge come from? And what can we do about it? 

Stay tuned for Part 2.